The Two-Faced Among Us: How to Identify Narcissism and Keep your Peace.

We all know them, the one to have a broad smile on his face in a crowded room, one who laughs and is embraced as the most sincere sole in the world. But the instant the crowd goes away, and you are alone with them a different individual stands forth entirely. Cold. Indifferent. Sometimes even cruel. And this is the disturbing business of having to handle a two-faced person, and it is not as odd as most of us would like to acknowledge.

The mask they wear

The two-faced person refers to an individual who exhibits one kind of him or her in a setting of his/her presence, and a completely differing kind in his/her praising. They initiate acts of gentleness, enchantment and warmth in a social context not because these traits are innate but due to the fact that they are seeking acceptance and praise. It is however behind closed doors when the mask falls off to expose either manipulation, dismissiveness, or indifference. This is an uncommon coincidence. It is, more than not a well-pruned tactic.

“You will find the worst of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection to be those who are two-faced, who come to some people with one face and to others with another face."

This behaviour often intersects with narcissist personality traits. Narcissists are characterized by constant demands of external support, superficial empathy and their ability to act in totally different ways according to the company. In the event that you are of value to their image or reputation, you are treated well. You are alone and may think that you are being overlooked or even worse, an object of their anger and little domination.

Why individuals get two-faced

According to psychology, two-faced behaviour usually has its roots in deep insecurity, fear of being rejected, or early life experiences in which love was conditional. Individuals who never got to know that they were deserving of true connection can develop a form of shapeshifting - they become whoever the room requires them to be, and never actually take a chance on an authentic identity. This develops into a reflex and not a conscious decision.

“The persona is what one is not, but what one and others think one is.”

Learning the cause of things does not imply condoning the action. You are free to be compassionate of the wounds of a person and yet you may not take the impact of the expression of those wounds.

The personal cost of dealing with them

Most of us have experienced the pain of being betrayed by a person we confided in. You put in time, efforts, and true feelings in a relationship, only to later realize that the warmth you got in the open was an act. The personal dealings show us a person who is not really appreciative of you, who gossips about others, and whose fidelity changes with the occasion. This can severely demoralize you and make you question your judgment.

“It is better to be alone than in bad company.”

You should keep in mind: their actions are not a measure of your value. It is a reflection of theirs. You did not misunderstand love you gave it out in its true nature, and it received acting. It is not your failure.

How to spot them early

How one acts when there is nothing to gain is the clearest test of character of a person, not the way he behaves when he is in the midst of people whom he wants to impress. Observe their treatment of waiters, strangers or people they look down upon. Overhear the conversations they have about others when they are not in their presence. Trends of inconsistency are nearly always apparent when you are noticing.

“When one tells you what he is, trust him the first time.”

Maintaining a healthy barrier

The demarcation of a two-faced or narcissistic individual is not a cold or paranoid thing but a wise thing. You do not have a complete right to tell all people about your inner world, your weaknesses, and your confidences. Treat everyone nicely, but only be really close to those whose private behaviour is as good as their external facade.

A wall is not a barrier. It is a filter. It enables real interaction without any manipulation and acting. It does not guard you, it grounds you.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

Final thoughts

The issue of two-faced behaviour is eternal in humanity, and to go through it, it is important to be aware and respect yourself. Know the symptoms, and believe what you always see and not what is once or twice done to you, and never lower your standards of genuine communion because you want to get along. Keep people around you who are a duplicate of you when the room is full or empty. That steadiness of character, which is so uncommon, is the stamp of one who is really worth your time.